he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
