Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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