She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
