I am full of burrito and curiosity
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
