i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
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I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
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