I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
pop tarts are not kleenex
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
