I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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