i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
