.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
