Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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