I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
