I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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