i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
