I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
