I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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