you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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