are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
