Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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