You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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