I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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