i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
