It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
