Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
