happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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