just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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