one two three fourrrrnication!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
