My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
