Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
