my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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