and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
