why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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