Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
