my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
