it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Non-Jews are for practice
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
