He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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