I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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