My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
