That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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