listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
