I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
