i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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