Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
