Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
