im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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