Jerry, you need to find god
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
