Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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