Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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