pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize