Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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