Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
