forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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