i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
