i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
