Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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