Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
