the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
