Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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