u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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