real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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